I need a break from you.

It's one of those nights. You lay in your bed, you're sleepy, your eyes burn, but you can't stop staring wide-eyed into nothingness. Somehow I'm paralyzed, just curled up on my bed, with my mouth hanging open, and my eyes are glued on my plain white walls. I'm restless.


It's so sad that the only year I can remember I had a blast during was back in 2002. Five years ago. That's a really long time. Five years? Where did I spend it all? More like, how? The following years were horrible. Moments of happiness were quickly drowned by a wave of amazing chaos. And just when I was strong enough to stand up on my own two feet; just when I was brave enough to start smiling again; just when I thought the world had given up picking on me; it all came crashing down again... so simply, like it had no shame and it was allowed to do it over and over...


I look at those around me, and I can't stop wondering how it would feel like to be in thier place. There are the ones that have gotten the respectable degrees; the ones are in the process of getting higher post-graduate degrees; those who have gotten great jobs and are able to stand on thier own two feet; the ones who were lucky enough to find thier significant other and get married to them; the ones who fell pregnant and can't wait to be mothers, like i do... And I just sit here, look down at myself, wonder what it is I have done, and shake my head left and right... Nothing. I have done nothing... All I have achieved was get myself in great debt, disappoint my family time after time, struggle with my degree so bad, and fail miserably in my relationships... And as much as I did try to work so hard, something always pulled me back; something always made me loose my balance... I wonder, how would it feel like to finally be able to taste success? I will never know.


I do love where I am, but I don't love what I've become. Sometimes it's easier to imagine how it would be like to be somebody else or crawl out of my own skin for a change. Sometimes I even wonder how wonderful it would be to get ammnesia. It's kind of like starting a fresh new leaf, but with your own memory. It's fine if people remember snippets of how horrible of a person you used to be as long as you can stare blankly back at them and wonder where all this bullshit is coming from. What have I become? And most importantly, who? Why has it become so difficult to fix things and easier to wreck things? When is this all going to end? I miss being young... Young, careless, and free...


I need sleep... my eyes are too swollen and I need to rest... maybe if I could just close my eyes, then the world would give me a break... even if it's just for those few hours...