If I were thoughts in Iris's head, I would be this:
Leave me alone. But don't stop chasing after me. I want to inflict all the pain, hurt, and sorrow you've put me through, but every time I try to do that, I end up hurting my own self.
I want you to stop calling me.
I don't want to hear your voice because I hate it.
I can't stand you anymore.
No, I don't want to meet up for coffee because the truth is, I can't stand looking at you.
But don't stop chasing after me.
I want you to get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness, but I know that the moment you do that, I'll regret it.
You say you're evolving into a man.
Really?
Where is he?
Where has he been?
Why did you allow yourself to blame me for your own mistakes?
Why are you still part of my life?
Leave me alone.
I need to shed your hurt.
I need to be somewhere, away from the world, especially you, to let go of everything you've put me through.
You've injected me with pain, insult, insecurity, and bitterness.
I need to be away from you.
You're toxic.
You're my poison.
Stop being so nice to me because it's too late.
Leave me alone.
But don't stop chasing after me.
Don't stop apologizing for everything you've put me through.
No, i don't want to meet for a coffee because your face is my worst nightmare.
But don't stop...
Don't stop...
Suffer...
Suffer...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
I need a break from you.
It's one of those nights. You lay in your bed, you're sleepy, your eyes burn, but you can't stop staring wide-eyed into nothingness. Somehow I'm paralyzed, just curled up on my bed, with my mouth hanging open, and my eyes are glued on my plain white walls. I'm restless.
It's so sad that the only year I can remember I had a blast during was back in 2002. Five years ago. That's a really long time. Five years? Where did I spend it all? More like, how? The following years were horrible. Moments of happiness were quickly drowned by a wave of amazing chaos. And just when I was strong enough to stand up on my own two feet; just when I was brave enough to start smiling again; just when I thought the world had given up picking on me; it all came crashing down again... so simply, like it had no shame and it was allowed to do it over and over...
I look at those around me, and I can't stop wondering how it would feel like to be in thier place. There are the ones that have gotten the respectable degrees; the ones are in the process of getting higher post-graduate degrees; those who have gotten great jobs and are able to stand on thier own two feet; the ones who were lucky enough to find thier significant other and get married to them; the ones who fell pregnant and can't wait to be mothers, like i do... And I just sit here, look down at myself, wonder what it is I have done, and shake my head left and right... Nothing. I have done nothing... All I have achieved was get myself in great debt, disappoint my family time after time, struggle with my degree so bad, and fail miserably in my relationships... And as much as I did try to work so hard, something always pulled me back; something always made me loose my balance... I wonder, how would it feel like to finally be able to taste success? I will never know.
I do love where I am, but I don't love what I've become. Sometimes it's easier to imagine how it would be like to be somebody else or crawl out of my own skin for a change. Sometimes I even wonder how wonderful it would be to get ammnesia. It's kind of like starting a fresh new leaf, but with your own memory. It's fine if people remember snippets of how horrible of a person you used to be as long as you can stare blankly back at them and wonder where all this bullshit is coming from. What have I become? And most importantly, who? Why has it become so difficult to fix things and easier to wreck things? When is this all going to end? I miss being young... Young, careless, and free...
I need sleep... my eyes are too swollen and I need to rest... maybe if I could just close my eyes, then the world would give me a break... even if it's just for those few hours...
It's so sad that the only year I can remember I had a blast during was back in 2002. Five years ago. That's a really long time. Five years? Where did I spend it all? More like, how? The following years were horrible. Moments of happiness were quickly drowned by a wave of amazing chaos. And just when I was strong enough to stand up on my own two feet; just when I was brave enough to start smiling again; just when I thought the world had given up picking on me; it all came crashing down again... so simply, like it had no shame and it was allowed to do it over and over...
I look at those around me, and I can't stop wondering how it would feel like to be in thier place. There are the ones that have gotten the respectable degrees; the ones are in the process of getting higher post-graduate degrees; those who have gotten great jobs and are able to stand on thier own two feet; the ones who were lucky enough to find thier significant other and get married to them; the ones who fell pregnant and can't wait to be mothers, like i do... And I just sit here, look down at myself, wonder what it is I have done, and shake my head left and right... Nothing. I have done nothing... All I have achieved was get myself in great debt, disappoint my family time after time, struggle with my degree so bad, and fail miserably in my relationships... And as much as I did try to work so hard, something always pulled me back; something always made me loose my balance... I wonder, how would it feel like to finally be able to taste success? I will never know.
I do love where I am, but I don't love what I've become. Sometimes it's easier to imagine how it would be like to be somebody else or crawl out of my own skin for a change. Sometimes I even wonder how wonderful it would be to get ammnesia. It's kind of like starting a fresh new leaf, but with your own memory. It's fine if people remember snippets of how horrible of a person you used to be as long as you can stare blankly back at them and wonder where all this bullshit is coming from. What have I become? And most importantly, who? Why has it become so difficult to fix things and easier to wreck things? When is this all going to end? I miss being young... Young, careless, and free...
I need sleep... my eyes are too swollen and I need to rest... maybe if I could just close my eyes, then the world would give me a break... even if it's just for those few hours...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Broken glass
For the past few months, I have closely watched Iris's life unfold. It was like watching fireworks go off. While it was beautiful to watch, I found myself wondering whether it's possible to see any form of beauty in chaos. I just don't know how she did it. Night after night, I heard her weep while she wondered how she was ever going to pick up the pieces. Most importantly, how she was going to carry on with her life after giving him so much of herself. She thought she had come to a dead end, never realizing that life was doing her a favor keeping her away from him.
In a lot of ways, I can understand her pain. She has done the impossible for the past year and a half. She has put up with one of his many horrible mood swings, sacrificed her life, her happiness, and her studies even, all for him. And how does he re-pay her? After recieving 'the' dreaded phonecall she has waited so long for, he informed her that he needs to be alone. You would think she was smothering him or even suffocating him, but the truth is far from that. He's a young man spoiled for choice. Secretly, I was happy he had made this decision, but I was hurting for Iris.
It's been a while, and I decided to meet Iris this morning for a cup of coffee. She seemed a lot happier and comfortable right now. It was a refreshing change to witness. She has also started to see benefits of this young man's decision. She told me that she doesn't live in fear anymore. In the past, she was far from happy because she secretly waited for him to drop that bomb he was hiding from her - the bomb he wanted to drop only when he was ready. Imagine being in a relationship where you were always living in fear, knowing in the back of your head that something lurked just around the corner and you had no idea when it was going to make its nasty appearance. That's how Iris felt for the last year and a half.
We spoke for hours. She is looking forward to a future. She is doing her school work like she should and also trying to slowly get back in touch with the friends she has lost. In other words, she is trying to piece her life back together. Out of curioisity, I asked her if they are still in contact. She paused for a few seconds before answering that they were. Stupid girl, I thought. She told me how she wants to move on, but that he's not letting her. From what I gathered, he's keeping her as back-up perhaps. He wants to keep the door slightly open, just in case he will need to creep back in again. I warned her and I do hope she takes my advice into consideration. I do not want him to take her for an idiot.
For now, at least she's a little more happy. You can see the color creeping back into her once pale skin. She looks healthier and her apettite seems to be back. Although I do have a lot of worries, I am glad that for now, she's on the road to recovery and will not get involved with anyone until she's emotionally ready and strong. I like that Iris girl, she's really nice and I wish her all the best.
"...Don't be reckless with other's people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
PS. I have to try and update more often.
In a lot of ways, I can understand her pain. She has done the impossible for the past year and a half. She has put up with one of his many horrible mood swings, sacrificed her life, her happiness, and her studies even, all for him. And how does he re-pay her? After recieving 'the' dreaded phonecall she has waited so long for, he informed her that he needs to be alone. You would think she was smothering him or even suffocating him, but the truth is far from that. He's a young man spoiled for choice. Secretly, I was happy he had made this decision, but I was hurting for Iris.
It's been a while, and I decided to meet Iris this morning for a cup of coffee. She seemed a lot happier and comfortable right now. It was a refreshing change to witness. She has also started to see benefits of this young man's decision. She told me that she doesn't live in fear anymore. In the past, she was far from happy because she secretly waited for him to drop that bomb he was hiding from her - the bomb he wanted to drop only when he was ready. Imagine being in a relationship where you were always living in fear, knowing in the back of your head that something lurked just around the corner and you had no idea when it was going to make its nasty appearance. That's how Iris felt for the last year and a half.
We spoke for hours. She is looking forward to a future. She is doing her school work like she should and also trying to slowly get back in touch with the friends she has lost. In other words, she is trying to piece her life back together. Out of curioisity, I asked her if they are still in contact. She paused for a few seconds before answering that they were. Stupid girl, I thought. She told me how she wants to move on, but that he's not letting her. From what I gathered, he's keeping her as back-up perhaps. He wants to keep the door slightly open, just in case he will need to creep back in again. I warned her and I do hope she takes my advice into consideration. I do not want him to take her for an idiot.
For now, at least she's a little more happy. You can see the color creeping back into her once pale skin. She looks healthier and her apettite seems to be back. Although I do have a lot of worries, I am glad that for now, she's on the road to recovery and will not get involved with anyone until she's emotionally ready and strong. I like that Iris girl, she's really nice and I wish her all the best.
"...Don't be reckless with other's people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
PS. I have to try and update more often.
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