As the wind shifts and shifts again...

It was a cold valentine's day. Iris woke up that morning feeling excited. She wondered what she was going to wear, and how she was going to make herself look pretty. In my opinion, she didn't need to make much effort. She had a few classes scheduled for that day so she had to balance out looking casual, yet smart.

It was 2pm when Iris received the call she was waiting for most of the day. She was nervous and was trying to figure out how she was going to chase away the butterflies in her stomach. They agreed to meet at one of London's underground stations. Iris couldn't wait.

Standing at the entrance of the station, Iris's eyes were shifting left and right, trying to see if she's going to be able to spot him. There were a sea of people walking past her and she tried to distract herself by admiring them. Just when she was about to change the spot she was standing, and perhaps grab a newspaper to read, she saw him... or she thought she did. He was pushing his away into the crowd of people all trying to simultaneously swipe their oyster cards and leave the polluted station. She was frozen in her spot, not knowing how she should react, or whether she should just turn around and pretend she didn't recognize him.

He must've recognized her too because as soon as their eyes met, he smiled at her. She was surprised at the way he looked. He was tall, a little on the chubby side, and pale. She thought he had the most gorgeous hazel eyes and long eyelashes. He had a sweet smile, and Iris could not help but wrap her arms around him giving him a warm hug. At the time, it sounded unusual to me to hug somebody you hardly knew, but hearing Iris relieve the memories of that day, I could finally understand where she was coming from.

They decided, at Iris's request, to walk down a nearby cafe. She can tell he was just as nervous as her, and in a twisted way, it made her feel better. At least she wasn't the only one.
When they got to the cafe, they each took their seats and tried to distract themselves by admiring the decor of the place. It had these interesting North African paintings on the wall that Iris couldn't stop staring at. Not that it was exceptional, but she is an art lover and appreciates all form of art.

When they finally turned their faces towards each other, they began to talk. There were moments of giggles, sweet talk, smiles, and stolen glances at each other. He told her how he thought she was beautiful and that he could see why men would be attracted to her. Although she blushed, deep down she didn't care about other men being attracted to her, secretly she wanted him to find her gorgeous. I reckon it was around that time that Iris made up her mind, but I doubt she would admit to that.

When they felt they've been in the cafe for too long, Iris thought they would go their separate ways. However, she was surprised when he suggested that they go somewhere else. She couldn't think of anywhere to go and just when she was about to say something, his face lit up and he quickly reached out to grab her hand. Except for that initial hug, Iris wasn't prepared to feel his skin on hers yet, and the sudden feeling of his hand on hers sent rivers and rivers of chills down her spine. However, she tried to suppress the sudden shock of pleasure and carried on trying to catch up with his pace.

Iris looked up at a tall historical building. It was almost getting dark and they have just arrived only to find out that the place was closing in 15 minutes or so. She couldn't understand why he had brought her here, but as long as she was with him, she didn't mind. His grip on her hand tightened as he pulled her along into the entrance of the building.

As she walked along besides him, she couldn't stop staring at him, and she couldn't deny the sense of excitement she was in. Is this really it? Has she found what she was looking for? Would the search finally end? Up to now, he was sweet and attentive, and when he sat on the edge of the world map display, he pulled out a hand-made valentine's card that he made for her, it became so clear to her. No one has done this before, let alone show their interest in such a sweet way. She held the card between her hands and she could feel the tears welling up. He looked at her with a worried expression, trying at the same time to study her facial expression and asked, 'Did you not like the card?' What was she supposed to tell him? That she thinks she's already in love with him? That she was so love-deprived and lonely that the smallest display of affection lured her into what will turn out to be a trap later on?

She quickly tried to regain her composure, and nodded confirming that she liked the card. With a look of relief on his face, and a smile, what took place after that would remain something that Iris would like for it to remain buried deep into her past. Even today, as we both sat staring at each other on a cold morning, she couldn't understand how a person can change overnight. I stared back at her with a blank expression on my face. What would I tell her? I had nothing to say, and no experience to fall back on. I could see the unanswered questions all over her face, but something told her that it's best she never let them slip out of her mouth. She will never hear what she always wanted to hear.

In my opinion, he was the devil dressed up as a man. He may also have been a devil reincarnated into a human being. Either that, or a human being with a devilish soul. Only people like him can turn your life upside down and your mind inside out. Only men like him can strip you out of your skin and make you forget who you really are. He blinded her completely. He deprived her of any form of happiness. He stopped the rays of sunshine from coming through into her world.

What baffles me is the fact that he still contacts her. What baffles me even more is the fact that she answers to him. If it was legal, I would shoot that girl in the head. She does admit that her love for him has turned into immense hate. I looked at her, and with a raised eyebrow, I asked if that is even possible. She smiled faintly and said, 'well sometimes.' She hates him sometimes. At least it's better than nothing.

The good news is that she realizes that no matter what he does now, it will never be enough. I personally think that even if he spends the rest of his life trying to make up for the fact that he fucked her up royally, it still wouldn't be anywhere near enough. But then that's just my opinion.

Why are people like him still free to roam the world?

"...And maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not going to stop me from having fun." - Ani Difranco

Demon

If I were thoughts in Iris's head, I would be this:

Leave me alone. But don't stop chasing after me. I want to inflict all the pain, hurt, and sorrow you've put me through, but every time I try to do that, I end up hurting my own self.
I want you to stop calling me.
I don't want to hear your voice because I hate it.
I can't stand you anymore.
No, I don't want to meet up for coffee because the truth is, I can't stand looking at you.
But don't stop chasing after me.
I want you to get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness, but I know that the moment you do that, I'll regret it.
You say you're evolving into a man.
Really?
Where is he?
Where has he been?
Why did you allow yourself to blame me for your own mistakes?
Why are you still part of my life?
Leave me alone.
I need to shed your hurt.
I need to be somewhere, away from the world, especially you, to let go of everything you've put me through.
You've injected me with pain, insult, insecurity, and bitterness.
I need to be away from you.
You're toxic.
You're my poison.
Stop being so nice to me because it's too late.
Leave me alone.
But don't stop chasing after me.
Don't stop apologizing for everything you've put me through.
No, i don't want to meet for a coffee because your face is my worst nightmare.
But don't stop...
Don't stop...
Suffer...
Suffer...

I need a break from you.

It's one of those nights. You lay in your bed, you're sleepy, your eyes burn, but you can't stop staring wide-eyed into nothingness. Somehow I'm paralyzed, just curled up on my bed, with my mouth hanging open, and my eyes are glued on my plain white walls. I'm restless.


It's so sad that the only year I can remember I had a blast during was back in 2002. Five years ago. That's a really long time. Five years? Where did I spend it all? More like, how? The following years were horrible. Moments of happiness were quickly drowned by a wave of amazing chaos. And just when I was strong enough to stand up on my own two feet; just when I was brave enough to start smiling again; just when I thought the world had given up picking on me; it all came crashing down again... so simply, like it had no shame and it was allowed to do it over and over...


I look at those around me, and I can't stop wondering how it would feel like to be in thier place. There are the ones that have gotten the respectable degrees; the ones are in the process of getting higher post-graduate degrees; those who have gotten great jobs and are able to stand on thier own two feet; the ones who were lucky enough to find thier significant other and get married to them; the ones who fell pregnant and can't wait to be mothers, like i do... And I just sit here, look down at myself, wonder what it is I have done, and shake my head left and right... Nothing. I have done nothing... All I have achieved was get myself in great debt, disappoint my family time after time, struggle with my degree so bad, and fail miserably in my relationships... And as much as I did try to work so hard, something always pulled me back; something always made me loose my balance... I wonder, how would it feel like to finally be able to taste success? I will never know.


I do love where I am, but I don't love what I've become. Sometimes it's easier to imagine how it would be like to be somebody else or crawl out of my own skin for a change. Sometimes I even wonder how wonderful it would be to get ammnesia. It's kind of like starting a fresh new leaf, but with your own memory. It's fine if people remember snippets of how horrible of a person you used to be as long as you can stare blankly back at them and wonder where all this bullshit is coming from. What have I become? And most importantly, who? Why has it become so difficult to fix things and easier to wreck things? When is this all going to end? I miss being young... Young, careless, and free...


I need sleep... my eyes are too swollen and I need to rest... maybe if I could just close my eyes, then the world would give me a break... even if it's just for those few hours...

Broken glass

For the past few months, I have closely watched Iris's life unfold. It was like watching fireworks go off. While it was beautiful to watch, I found myself wondering whether it's possible to see any form of beauty in chaos. I just don't know how she did it. Night after night, I heard her weep while she wondered how she was ever going to pick up the pieces. Most importantly, how she was going to carry on with her life after giving him so much of herself. She thought she had come to a dead end, never realizing that life was doing her a favor keeping her away from him.


In a lot of ways, I can understand her pain. She has done the impossible for the past year and a half. She has put up with one of his many horrible mood swings, sacrificed her life, her happiness, and her studies even, all for him. And how does he re-pay her? After recieving 'the' dreaded phonecall she has waited so long for, he informed her that he needs to be alone. You would think she was smothering him or even suffocating him, but the truth is far from that. He's a young man spoiled for choice. Secretly, I was happy he had made this decision, but I was hurting for Iris.


It's been a while, and I decided to meet Iris this morning for a cup of coffee. She seemed a lot happier and comfortable right now. It was a refreshing change to witness. She has also started to see benefits of this young man's decision. She told me that she doesn't live in fear anymore. In the past, she was far from happy because she secretly waited for him to drop that bomb he was hiding from her - the bomb he wanted to drop only when he was ready. Imagine being in a relationship where you were always living in fear, knowing in the back of your head that something lurked just around the corner and you had no idea when it was going to make its nasty appearance. That's how Iris felt for the last year and a half.


We spoke for hours. She is looking forward to a future. She is doing her school work like she should and also trying to slowly get back in touch with the friends she has lost. In other words, she is trying to piece her life back together. Out of curioisity, I asked her if they are still in contact. She paused for a few seconds before answering that they were. Stupid girl, I thought. She told me how she wants to move on, but that he's not letting her. From what I gathered, he's keeping her as back-up perhaps. He wants to keep the door slightly open, just in case he will need to creep back in again. I warned her and I do hope she takes my advice into consideration. I do not want him to take her for an idiot.


For now, at least she's a little more happy. You can see the color creeping back into her once pale skin. She looks healthier and her apettite seems to be back. Although I do have a lot of worries, I am glad that for now, she's on the road to recovery and will not get involved with anyone until she's emotionally ready and strong. I like that Iris girl, she's really nice and I wish her all the best.


"...Don't be reckless with other's people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."




PS. I have to try and update more often.

For Iris... "Going once, going twice, sold to the girl who ignored all advice..."

Iris always dreamed of a life filled with caramel and fireworks. However, her world has been spinning violently for the past few months causing her stomach to eject all of it's contents. It hasn't been easy, and while I watched her suffer, I wondered if there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Iris is a pretty girl. What added to her pretty-ness was the fact that her heart was a big giant cotton candy machine. She oozed of sweetness, only if you supplied her with enough sugar. She loved Astrud Gilberto, and I remember laughing at her taste in music. Although I have to admit, that kind of music sent me so far that it would be physically impossible to wipe that smile off of my face. Iris always made fun of that. That's the thing about her. She's funny, but in her own way. She's also full of wonder, and people loved telling her stories when they're sitting across from her because they simply loved to watch her facial expressions. Apparently, they were hilarious.

She may sound like a fun and happy creature, but lately she hasn't been the happiest. She deserves to be happy. She really does. I think she deserves it more than anyone I know - honestly. I would fight for her happiness if I could. Lately, she's been feeling unloved, unappreciated, and neglected. She gives him everything he asks for simply because she lives to make him happy. You'd think a man like him would be intelligent enough to realize what he's got, and i think he realizes, but he refuses to move a finger.

Most people think he's a nice fellow. He's got a sweet smile and a silly sense of humor. He's also very social and makes an impression on all her friends. As far as her friends are concerned, he's a cool guy. But try getting involved with him - he's a handful! I feel sorry for poor Iris.

She puts everything in her life on hold because she likes to make sure he's happy, content, and comfortable. God forbid if Iris has an important appointment she has to go to and he happens to call. She will cancel her appointments just to meet him for a quick coffee. I've seen her do it and it drove me mad. She tells me she can't resist him. She can't resist not being able to look into his hazel eyes. She would stop the world turning just to sit across from him in some random Italian café, even if it was brief. She breaks my heart, that Iris.

To be honest, I don't think he feels about her the same way she does about him. He likes the idea of being in control, and Iris allows him to control her. Sometimes it seems to me that he enjoys punishing her - emotionally. He's sadistic like that sometimes. He enjoys playing mind games with her, provoke her until he gets the reaction he expects from her, and then sits there and laughs, and laughs, and laughs until his belly wobbles that you wonder whether it has a mind of its own. And Iris? She sits on her bed in the darkness of her room and feels the hot tears stream down her face. She will cry until she can't breathe (or breath?) and wonder whether it gets any easier. He finds that amusing sometimes.

I am starting to dislike him. Iris deserves better. You would think he shows her a little bit of appreciation once in a while. Hm... NOTHING. A sweet word here and there? Nope. Possibly wraps his arms around her and show her how safe he can make her feel being surrounded by him? In her dreams. A little bit of gratitude for the effort, work, tears, heartache, sacrifices (even ones he wasn't aware of) and blood she's put into this relationship? You guessed it... NO. Instead, he constantly tells her how confused he is and how he never wanted to be in a relationship in the first place. He rips her heart into a million and one pieces when he says that. How dare he? She looks at him and wonders why he's never said anything to her before. She wonders why hasn't he spared her the work, insults, heartache, and effort? Why hasn't he spoken up before instead of leading her on? I think I know. He was probably taking advantage of her kindness. But, I don't dare say this to Iris. She is hurting already, and this is the last thing she wants to hear although I am confident that she's a smart enough woman to realize that.

They are still together. He is distant at the moment. That's how he's like: back and forth. Their relationship is like a fucking yo-yo. He drops her to the deepest depths of hell, and then pulls her up again, only to drop her back in hell again. Nothing is good enough for him. He criticizes her all the time, making her feel less confident and insecure about herself. Not once has he made her feel like a queen or showed her how proud he is to be with her. If he doesn't think she deserves it, then why is she still with him? Why is she allowing him to treat her like that?

Iris always used to say how she would never get involved with an insecure man who carries his emotional baggage with him everywhere he goes that it ends up creating a monster out of him. We all say things like that, but somehow, something happens... and you wake up and wonder how you ended up here.

Why is it that when as soon as a man starts to feel something, he runs away from it? He's afraid of facing his feelings. Why? He's terrified of it, when there is no reason why he should. This man in particular is horrible to the point of hilarious when it comes to feelings. If I were in Iris's place, I would teach him a lesson because he needs one. But Iris is too much of a kind girl to do anything horrible to him. She always says how sensitive he is, and that she has to watch what she says around him. Sensitive? Isn't part of being sensitive is to be sensitive towards other people's feelings?

Here's my advice to Iris: Be nice to yourself, you deserve it. You deserve better. By the way, where do you get your patience from? It's incredible. Be good to yourself, meditate, drink lots of water, and always take deep deep breaths. Surround yourself with people who truly love you - come on, you've got loads of those! And don't let anyone else determine your own self-worth. Believe in karma. What goes around, comes around. It will bite him in the ass one day. You WILL BE in a much happier place. Where as on the other hand, he'll realize what he's lost.... and believe me beautiful girl, it will be too late.

Be happy, Iris. Wake up and smell the coffee. You know what you have to do. You'll be fine. I promise.

"...Then one day she looked around her
and everything up til then was showing
and she wondered how did i get here
without even knowing where i was going?
now there's no getting out of this
and there is no going back
and it all seems so odd sometimes
and the odds all seem stacked..." - Ani Difranco (God bless her!)

I wanna have your babies... hmmmm....

Isn't this just what every girl (like me) does?


"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
But what if it don't?
What happens in my head stays in my head
But sometimes it won't
What if you knew what I was thinkin
Would it make you like WOHHHHH!
Dont wanna risk puttin' my foot in it
So ill keep my mouth closed!

All you hear is...

Mmm mmm m m m m
Gonna button my lip
So the truth dont slip
Mmm mmm m m m m m
Gotta beep out what I really wanna shout
Woops Did I say it out loud, did you find out
I wanna have your babies
Get serious like crazy
I wanna have your babies
I see 'em springin up like daisies

Some of my feelings keep escapin'
So I make it a joke
Nonchalant I keep on fakin'
So my heart dont get broke
I'm in a big big big big ocean in a tiny little boat
Ill only put the idea out there
If I know its gonna float

Trust me it would scare you if you knew what was goin' on in my brain
Trust me it would scare you that I've picked out the church all the schools all the names
If you knew it was all about you every wish
Every candle every coin in a fountain
Trust me it would scare you..."

Yup! Freaky stuff...

Our Battles

"Our battles are repetious
if not broken poetry
and maybe that's the attraction
that you're as self-absorbed as me

You jumped to the conclusion
and landed on my chest
Now how am I supposed to make you see.

I'll just write this down
with hopes that you'll understand
I can no longer be disciplined
by the frustration of an insecure man
And as I kiss your face
you'll know that I can no longer apologize
for your former lover's mistakes.

My past is mine to keep
Who are you to question me...?
Perhaps someday you'll learn
Too bad it's not our turn."