My name is L

At this point in my life, my name is probably the only thing I know very well. I've become well acquainted with this name for 22 years. Right now, everything is a blur, and the future seems so distant, and the only thing I know by heart and feel comfort knowing is my name. How random and useless is this post going to be, I hear you say.

It's been a while and although I'm tempted to list all of the last month's event, I'm also tempted to keep it to myself. Like all phases in life, it's been a bumpy road. There's been emotional changes and I like what my mom always says that things are usually relatively difficult when they start off, but with time it gets easier and easier.

At the moment, I feel like a balloon. Well, physically I am a balloon anyway. But I'm talking about my emotional and mental state. I'm ready to pop. I'm very ready to explode. And I'm also on the verge of loosing my patience.

It's just one of those times when things start to go downhill, and they keep going and going towards that direction and there's no stop to it. You look down and there are no brakes to slam. The only thing you can do I believe is look straight ahead and keep your eyes shut. If you crash, but walk away with minimum damage, you've made it. If not, then one has to deal with it and tend to his/her wounds. Maybe even crawl somewhere far and safe, and wait until you heal.

That's what I want to do. Or maybe I'm cheating. I say that because I'm on my way downhill and I find myself wanting to jump out before I hit rock bottom. Is that even possible? I kind of doubt it.

Right now, everything hurts. Even the words coming out of my mouth hit home. Things are getting to me and I often find myself wanting to spontaneously get up and run. I want to run like Tom Hanks in the Forrest Gump. I want to be just as retarded, but equally beautiful.

I want this... I want that... That's what you hear me say. However, a part of me is wondering how in the hell I got here. My mind is screaming all sorts of obscenities and my heart feels as though it's throbbing with great pain. I need assurance. I need comfort. I need someone to treat me with tender and care. I need love. Love. Yes, I need to feel the love. I need that unconditional love that people talk about in movies and music. I need to feel like I'm pretty. I need to feel special. I need to feel wanted. I want to feel wanted...

...But I'm not. So, what's a girl like me to do? I think I'm one of those unfortunate ones that give so much, receives less, and tries to make sure that only the right thing is coming out of her mouth. For the life of me, I can't seem to understand why I find it difficult to stand up for myself and shout 'enough is enough.' Why can't I be selfish instead of selfless? Haven't I dealt with enough shit? Have I not been tampered on enough? Have I not been insulted enough? When is enough for me? Or do I not have that kind of limit? If not, then I fail to recognize myself as human.

I'm a nice person. Yes, I'm also modest too. Half the time I find myself thinking I don't deserve this because there is so much I am capable of doing and so many people I can make happy. The events of the week has made me hyper sensitive and just hard. I've detached myself from friends and family when in reality I should surround myself with them more and more... Because if anything, they're the ones that are going to remind me of how great of a human being I am and can be.

So yes, right now, the only familiar thing in my head is my name. Do you know where I'm coming from?