Corcovado

"...Quiet nights 'n quiet stars, quiet chords from my guitar
Floating on the silence that surrounds us
Quiet thoughts 'n quiet dreams, quiet walks by quiet streams
Climbing hills where lovers go to watch the world below together

We will live eternally in this mood of reverie
Away . . . from all the earthly cares around us
My world was dull each minute until I found you in it
And all at once the happiness I knew,
Became these quiet nights of loving you..."

My heart is already in Paris. And oh, how I love it!

You're laughing at me.

"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile."

My name is L

At this point in my life, my name is probably the only thing I know very well. I've become well acquainted with this name for 22 years. Right now, everything is a blur, and the future seems so distant, and the only thing I know by heart and feel comfort knowing is my name. How random and useless is this post going to be, I hear you say.

It's been a while and although I'm tempted to list all of the last month's event, I'm also tempted to keep it to myself. Like all phases in life, it's been a bumpy road. There's been emotional changes and I like what my mom always says that things are usually relatively difficult when they start off, but with time it gets easier and easier.

At the moment, I feel like a balloon. Well, physically I am a balloon anyway. But I'm talking about my emotional and mental state. I'm ready to pop. I'm very ready to explode. And I'm also on the verge of loosing my patience.

It's just one of those times when things start to go downhill, and they keep going and going towards that direction and there's no stop to it. You look down and there are no brakes to slam. The only thing you can do I believe is look straight ahead and keep your eyes shut. If you crash, but walk away with minimum damage, you've made it. If not, then one has to deal with it and tend to his/her wounds. Maybe even crawl somewhere far and safe, and wait until you heal.

That's what I want to do. Or maybe I'm cheating. I say that because I'm on my way downhill and I find myself wanting to jump out before I hit rock bottom. Is that even possible? I kind of doubt it.

Right now, everything hurts. Even the words coming out of my mouth hit home. Things are getting to me and I often find myself wanting to spontaneously get up and run. I want to run like Tom Hanks in the Forrest Gump. I want to be just as retarded, but equally beautiful.

I want this... I want that... That's what you hear me say. However, a part of me is wondering how in the hell I got here. My mind is screaming all sorts of obscenities and my heart feels as though it's throbbing with great pain. I need assurance. I need comfort. I need someone to treat me with tender and care. I need love. Love. Yes, I need to feel the love. I need that unconditional love that people talk about in movies and music. I need to feel like I'm pretty. I need to feel special. I need to feel wanted. I want to feel wanted...

...But I'm not. So, what's a girl like me to do? I think I'm one of those unfortunate ones that give so much, receives less, and tries to make sure that only the right thing is coming out of her mouth. For the life of me, I can't seem to understand why I find it difficult to stand up for myself and shout 'enough is enough.' Why can't I be selfish instead of selfless? Haven't I dealt with enough shit? Have I not been tampered on enough? Have I not been insulted enough? When is enough for me? Or do I not have that kind of limit? If not, then I fail to recognize myself as human.

I'm a nice person. Yes, I'm also modest too. Half the time I find myself thinking I don't deserve this because there is so much I am capable of doing and so many people I can make happy. The events of the week has made me hyper sensitive and just hard. I've detached myself from friends and family when in reality I should surround myself with them more and more... Because if anything, they're the ones that are going to remind me of how great of a human being I am and can be.

So yes, right now, the only familiar thing in my head is my name. Do you know where I'm coming from?

This girl is (s)tupid.

You're just a stupid girl
You really got a lot to learn
Start living again
Forget about remembering
You're such a stupid girl.
You're such a beautiful fish
Floppin' on the summer sand
Lookin' for the wave you missed
When another one is close at hand
You're such a stupid girl.
You're such a stupid girl.
I saw you in Mercedes Benz
Practicing self-defense
You got it pretty good I guess
I couldn't see your eyes
You're really stupid, girl.
You're such a stupid girl. - Neil Young

stupid girl i've had enough of all ofyour whining
stupid girl i've heard enough of all ofyour crying
don't scream at me and get all mad
he's the one who treats you oh so bad
stupid girl i understand that nobodyunderstands you
stpuid girl just make lemonade from the lemons he always hands you
why do you have to walk away
listen to these words i gotta say
stpuid girl you brought this on yourself
so shut your mouth
my little stupid girl
stupid girl you're stuck in a rut
start clearing your head out
stupid girl you better wise up and tell
him to get out
when are you finally gonna see
you're so much better off with me
stupid girl you are the one
you are the only girl for me. - Screeching Weasel