They say there's an expiry date on everything in life. There has to be a point in your life where you let go and flip open a new page. Personally, I don't believe in that. I believe that that statement is partially true, however, it's not that easy. I don't want to talk about how easy it is to let go of things because I'm not good with these things. As much as I want to sit here and let my tears do the talking, I want to write about it instead and let my fears, worries, sadness, and bitterness be known. I'm human, and I'm alive more than ever.
I went through a time in my life that messed my head. It was like someone so powerful picked me up and turned me inside out like you do with most of your laundry. It felt like some greater being has forced itself deep into my chest and squeezed the life out of my heart. I was lost, so lost. I was confused, alone, bitter at the amount of loss, and scared. I was scared. I was afraid. I was weak. I felt myself sinking lower and lower into the unknown. It was like standing on quick sand without realizing and it's sucking you down… deep down. I wanted to yell 'help!' but no one listened. I felt eyes on me, but they couldn't see the amount of hurt lurking inside. It was my definition of struggle because I believe that struggle means different things to different people.
Even though it was over, I still had pieces to pick up and glue together. I still had bags of emotions to go through. I was left with a heart that needed mending and a head that needed fixing. I was finally in a country I tried so hard to escape to, but nothing felt the same. Nothing tasted the same. In fact, everything tasted sour to the point where you'd have to close your eyes tight and wait for that feeling to pass.
The present is all that matters. My present is my education. Without it, please tell me why I'm here again? I've been interrupted many times. I've had obstacles thrown at me and I know God sat watching me from up above intrigued at how I'd handle them. I handled them pretty well, I think. I got through, and I managed. I had a few slips here and there, but let's face it, who doesn't have those days?
I just want to say, yesterday wasn't the best of days. Sure, I had worst days, but I walked out into the coldness of the city and allowed the breeze to dry my tears. I had a million questions in my head and one of them was the one we always seem to ask, "why me?" Hmmm, I wish I had the answer to that, but I don't, so I'll settle with this quote from Ani Difranco, "We are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again and turn every scar into a joke. We are made to fight and fuck and talk and fight again and sit around and laugh until we choke…"
I realized that I've been living in fear. I've been dragging my past into the present and the future. With every negative thought, there was a negative emotion, and with every negative emotion, a negative action was born. I've heard people say, "You are what you eat" and I'm here to say that you are what you feel. You feel like shit? Everything around you will look like shit. You will attract everything bad there is out there because it'll reflect your attitude and what you're feeling on the inside.
Like I was telling someone today, picture the world was a stress-free place with no responsibilities and things to worry about, how boring would that world be? No, I refuse to be a part of it. I want to be a part of this world. I want to stress. I want to have responsibilities. I want to cry out of frustration. I want to have bad days because everyone has them. I want to wake up and think today is a new day and I'll make the most of it.
Tonight I'm going to get rid of this fear inside me. I am going to liberate myself. I'm going to be free. I'm going to force myself to believe that I can do this. I'll convince myself that even though it's not going to be an easy ride, I'm strong enough to get through it. Come on, I've been through worse things than this. I'll tell myself that I'm smart enough, maybe not a genius, maybe not as intelligent as the rest of my family members, but I can pull a decent degree and finally venture into the real world. Or have I been there already? I've got potential, and I have what it takes. I just need to believe that.
Most importantly, I'll tell myself that I'll be fine. That even if hell freezes over, I will not pull out of university and call it quits. If this is meant to be a battle, then I don't and WILL NOT loose my battles.
How freaky that just as I was about to end this post, the song "alright" by Jamiroquai came on. I hope I win tickets to go to the damn thing!!!
I've had an amazing day today, a day any girl would wish for… What can I say? It's days like these that make me realize that in spite of how NIPPY the world gets, i'll always have special people around me to keep me warm… ;) I'm a lucky girl I am…
"…now I've got that sunshine in my life."
7 comments:
Sometimes, when you're torn down, it's difficult not to let it affect every aspect of your life. You are very wise to see what's happening in your life... just remember that you do have the strength to overcome, but sometimes it takes just a few more days than you think it should. Hold firm, stay determined... don't let anything bring you down.
I don't know if it was a bad friendship, bad love relationship or what that hurt you in such bad ways, but in the darkest of days try to remember: there's always a rainbow after the storm.
I feel that life is a test and that God does watch us... you will only become stronger w/ each passing day and w/ easy passing test.
You are so honest and it's nice to see and read.
In the words of one of the world' greatest:
"I want to break free"
:)
You are special and will remain strong... We're all here on the sidelines rooting for you, we're the audience to this production & we're giving you a standing ovation...
You will do it :)
You are very special and highly intelligent. I've always admired you and continue to do so.
Love,
Christine
LULU I LOVE YOU!
Thanks for the link to your blog, I'll bookmark you.
you are in university. this is the time to feel, to live, to laugh till it hurts, to cry till it burns, to stay up all night for three days in a row,to eat nothing but popcorn and diet coke for a week and go out for pizza in the middle of the night, to wear funky clothes, to run out of money at the end of the first week, to go to shows and make friends from every country on god's earth, to learn rude words from ten different languages, to swear in the street as loud as you can, to miss classes and to show up for tests after they passed and then get a note from a doctor because you're depressed because of a family problem, to fall in love and out of love every week, to dump someone and then get dumped and cry your eyes out because you can't imagine your life without them, to write heartfelt poems and sing with a hairbrush microphone as loud as you can, to go to karaoke bars and have the courage to do a song, to know what's in fashion before it comes out, to form friendships that will last the rest of your life, and to miss silly things about your family and your country that you never appreciated when you were there and will probably not appreciate when you go back for longer than a visit, to go skiing and partying and abseiling and disco-dancing, to drink until you pass out and to promise yourself that you will never do it again, to join a drama group or a band, these are the times of your life.. once they go, they will never come back the same way.. you'll have a job, a husband, kids, any or all of the above, and you will think of those days with a smile and wonder if they really happened, because it will be like it happened to someone else.. but it will already be so deep in you that it will be an integral part of who you are.. and will define who you will become.. and no matter how hard it is to be where you are now, you will look back with a smile, and you will not be sorry for any of it.. so make the most of it.
you'll be a better richer person for having been through this experience..
believe me...
I hope you are feeling better now, writing your feelings is always good therapy
bless you,
Ahhhhhhh I got tears in my eyes, I remembered my University days. Don't give up you will regret it your whole life, you will always wonder if you could have done better even if you turned up ok. All this will be like a dream when you are fourty like me.Don't let bad thoughts screw up your head. Be strong and all the best for the future.
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