This was written back on the 5th of April, 2005. Reading it, I realized that my past still hurts... no, not necessarily hurts... it stings... it makes me want to throw away that part of my brain:
I'm looking out the window and at the mango tree that seems to have grown in just a short period of time. I don't like fruits, but I like the smell of mangos. Some 60's tune is playing in the background and I can't help but think of Whoopi Goldberg in the movie Girl, Interrupted (for some reason).
Today, it was one of those mornings where I woke up craving coffee. I drink coffee every morning, but today I wanted something stronger to get me through the day.
I started stirring my rich Arabic coffee on the oven. I was still half asleep and had to fight hard to keep my eyes open. My hair was messed up and all over the place. I seem to like it that way better. I was thinking of all these different things about my life. Sometimes, it's not as bad as I make it seem. And other times, I concentrate on this one thing that makes everything in my life seem so horrible and depressing. I thought, "If only I can get rid of this one thing, then everything else would be bearable." I can get over the fact that I'm here rather than in England because let's face it, I'm still young and I'll always have the chance to go back to London after making something out of myself. I'm 21 and I've got so much to look forward to... but that thing.
I was fighting back the tears. I did not want to cry in front of mother creature, especially when she had guests visting. I gave my cat some love and made sure she's okay and well fed and decided to sip my coffee under the mango tree outside.
I leaned against the tree. I was wearing my lime green pyjamas and from some weird angle, the sun was shinning in my small espresso cup. It was just my cup and nothing else. It was so bright and so beautiful that I couldn't help but draw a curve on my face... And at THAT moment, I realized that when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. And in that millisecond, everything just seemed okay...
Five months later, yours truly got her ass back to England... Sure, she's struggling, but she found and met many beautiful people since then. She's trying to get through university even though it's been tough with her lack of motivation. However, she still likes to think she's been blessed, especially these days...
Isn't life funny?
2 comments:
I love that mango tree :)
isn't life funny? yes, it is. sometimes i find myself all amiss w/ what i want in life, where i want to be and then the next, i'm fine and feel happy to be where i am and doing what i'm doing. sometimes it's the thoughts/feelings that get us through.
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