Life is too short, don't you think?

"Throw away your words and act on what's in your heart."

The above quote is probably the best advice i've recieved in a while. For the past seven months, I've become less articulate with my feelings and more afraid to talk about them. Although I generally don't miss who I used to be, a small part of me yearns for how brave I was with confronting people when it comes to emotions. I wasn't a drama queen. I was just a girl who made it a point to articulate how she really felt; I was a girl who loved nothing but to paint pictures with words of what goes on in her heart.

I said anything to anyone within moderation and respect, be it family or friends. I never raised my voice or expected people to understand. All I wanted was to be heard. I wasn't afraid of myself or the words that came out of my mouth. Most importantly, I was never terrified that the person infront of me may decide to get up and leave. I loved that freedom. Yes, freedom... You get to say whatever you wanted, and even though there was no outcome, that's O.K. You still walked away feeling like a weight has been lefted off of your chest.

Now... I don't like what i've become. I'm less confident with myself. When I want to truly sit down and discuss my thoughts, the silliest and most incoherent words come out of me. When I get angry at someone, I cry tears instead of letting my tongue do the talking. When I like someone, I can't tell them. I can't even bring myself to imagine that I could in a million years tell them. Why? I know it's a fear, but I don't want it to turn into a phobia. I know it may be a vaild fear, but it's still no excuse. Sometimes I want to scream from the top of my lungs. I want to be foolish, silly, and cheesy with my words because it ain't going to hurt, is it? I want to exscorce myself from this fear of rejection and focus on making those around me happy. I want that old part of me back because if I can't open my mouth and tell someone I love them, then what's the point of living?

I can't go on like this. It's been too long. I want to be able to say what I want to say without that fear paralyzing my tongue. I want to be able to speak my mind AND my heart without having anyone laugh at me or run away because they're too freaked out by my words. I want to yell, scream, rave, and complain about how my head is always connected to my heart and that it's a source of frustration and heartache for me. If I can't bring that old self back, then I'll be lost... confused... and just not me.

The way I see it is this: Life is too short to try to constantly censor your thoughts and feelings. At the end of the day, we are inevitably going to say good-bye to the world and it could be anytime... I could publish this post, leave my house to the mosque (which is where I'm going now), and get run over by a double decker bus. I'm trying so hard not to sound depressing, but it's a reality and as much as it sounds like a stupid cliche, there's no point of regretting a thing when that day comes...

Call it me being dramatic, melodramatic, or it's the effect of being depreived from food... but i'm tired of always trying to cover my mouth and I'm even more tired of always trying to not freak anyone out. That's it. Whatever I feel will come running out of my mouth... It's not a promise yet, but I think it's achievable.

But remember, life is too short for this... way too short...

Ps. Excuse all the spelling mistakes... I realize how pathetic they are, but the spell checker isn't working.