Can anyone feel this?

[Music: Questions by Mos def]

Listening to the above track, I feel finally O.K. The past two days have been like an emotional rollercoaster ride and only God knows how much I hate those rides. Somehow, you always end up puking all over yourself. Excuse the former sentence. I need to get it out of my system.

I think part of it is the effect Ramadan has on me. Every year I'm reminded of how tough it is to fast in a country that's not yours. Having said that, I can't believe this is my fourth Ramadan away from home. God, I miss the atmosphere. The family reunions. Forget about the food, I miss the whole spiritual point of the holy month.

The combination of fasting, being away from home, and your schedule almost changing messed my body up. As soon as I break my fast, I'm greeted with a massive headache that won't leave until bedtime. As a result, I've been feeling down, low, depressed almost, and lost. I find that all the negative thoughts come to me and I can't seem to fight it. I don't know if they are really there or it's just the effect of not having enough food in your system to fight these thoughts and helps you keep moving. I can't help feeling that somewhere underneath, someone is just pulling me deeper and deeper.

Anyway, I ended up taking a walk with my mother around the area. We talked about various things and I got a lot of things off of my chest. It's funny that in times likes these, no one feels you.. No one understands what you're going through or pick up on how low you feel. I tell a few close people that I'm on the verge of tears, but they brush me off and talk about other issues. I'm not upset about that, but it made me realize that your family members are the only ones who are capable of understanding you and support you with whatever it is you're going through. For that, I'm thankful. I have a mother, who even though I don't get along with most of the time, understands me and supports me no matter what.

I watched the movie 'Trust the man' today. You know, just to kill time before iftaar and even though it was a little depressing for me to watch, I liked something Julianne Moore said in there about how a relationship is like a stick that two people hold on to. Sometimes they're close enough to look into each other's eyes, and other times, they're far. But they're not meant to let go because at least it keeps them together while they hold on to that same stick...

I realized that I've written way more than I should, and that I've probably said more than I allowed myself to, but I'm feeling miserable at the moment and I'm trying my best to make myself feel better simply because no one can do it for me. It's just me, myself, and I.