Corcovado

"...Quiet nights 'n quiet stars, quiet chords from my guitar
Floating on the silence that surrounds us
Quiet thoughts 'n quiet dreams, quiet walks by quiet streams
Climbing hills where lovers go to watch the world below together

We will live eternally in this mood of reverie
Away . . . from all the earthly cares around us
My world was dull each minute until I found you in it
And all at once the happiness I knew,
Became these quiet nights of loving you..."

My heart is already in Paris. And oh, how I love it!

You're laughing at me.

"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile."

My name is L

At this point in my life, my name is probably the only thing I know very well. I've become well acquainted with this name for 22 years. Right now, everything is a blur, and the future seems so distant, and the only thing I know by heart and feel comfort knowing is my name. How random and useless is this post going to be, I hear you say.

It's been a while and although I'm tempted to list all of the last month's event, I'm also tempted to keep it to myself. Like all phases in life, it's been a bumpy road. There's been emotional changes and I like what my mom always says that things are usually relatively difficult when they start off, but with time it gets easier and easier.

At the moment, I feel like a balloon. Well, physically I am a balloon anyway. But I'm talking about my emotional and mental state. I'm ready to pop. I'm very ready to explode. And I'm also on the verge of loosing my patience.

It's just one of those times when things start to go downhill, and they keep going and going towards that direction and there's no stop to it. You look down and there are no brakes to slam. The only thing you can do I believe is look straight ahead and keep your eyes shut. If you crash, but walk away with minimum damage, you've made it. If not, then one has to deal with it and tend to his/her wounds. Maybe even crawl somewhere far and safe, and wait until you heal.

That's what I want to do. Or maybe I'm cheating. I say that because I'm on my way downhill and I find myself wanting to jump out before I hit rock bottom. Is that even possible? I kind of doubt it.

Right now, everything hurts. Even the words coming out of my mouth hit home. Things are getting to me and I often find myself wanting to spontaneously get up and run. I want to run like Tom Hanks in the Forrest Gump. I want to be just as retarded, but equally beautiful.

I want this... I want that... That's what you hear me say. However, a part of me is wondering how in the hell I got here. My mind is screaming all sorts of obscenities and my heart feels as though it's throbbing with great pain. I need assurance. I need comfort. I need someone to treat me with tender and care. I need love. Love. Yes, I need to feel the love. I need that unconditional love that people talk about in movies and music. I need to feel like I'm pretty. I need to feel special. I need to feel wanted. I want to feel wanted...

...But I'm not. So, what's a girl like me to do? I think I'm one of those unfortunate ones that give so much, receives less, and tries to make sure that only the right thing is coming out of her mouth. For the life of me, I can't seem to understand why I find it difficult to stand up for myself and shout 'enough is enough.' Why can't I be selfish instead of selfless? Haven't I dealt with enough shit? Have I not been tampered on enough? Have I not been insulted enough? When is enough for me? Or do I not have that kind of limit? If not, then I fail to recognize myself as human.

I'm a nice person. Yes, I'm also modest too. Half the time I find myself thinking I don't deserve this because there is so much I am capable of doing and so many people I can make happy. The events of the week has made me hyper sensitive and just hard. I've detached myself from friends and family when in reality I should surround myself with them more and more... Because if anything, they're the ones that are going to remind me of how great of a human being I am and can be.

So yes, right now, the only familiar thing in my head is my name. Do you know where I'm coming from?

This girl is (s)tupid.

You're just a stupid girl
You really got a lot to learn
Start living again
Forget about remembering
You're such a stupid girl.
You're such a beautiful fish
Floppin' on the summer sand
Lookin' for the wave you missed
When another one is close at hand
You're such a stupid girl.
You're such a stupid girl.
I saw you in Mercedes Benz
Practicing self-defense
You got it pretty good I guess
I couldn't see your eyes
You're really stupid, girl.
You're such a stupid girl. - Neil Young

stupid girl i've had enough of all ofyour whining
stupid girl i've heard enough of all ofyour crying
don't scream at me and get all mad
he's the one who treats you oh so bad
stupid girl i understand that nobodyunderstands you
stpuid girl just make lemonade from the lemons he always hands you
why do you have to walk away
listen to these words i gotta say
stpuid girl you brought this on yourself
so shut your mouth
my little stupid girl
stupid girl you're stuck in a rut
start clearing your head out
stupid girl you better wise up and tell
him to get out
when are you finally gonna see
you're so much better off with me
stupid girl you are the one
you are the only girl for me. - Screeching Weasel

Wiiiiild THANG!

Your Theme Song is Born to Be Wild by Steppenwolf

"I like smoke and lightning Heavy metal thunder Racin' with the wind And the feelin' that I'm under" A total independent spirit, you can't be held down or fenced in. You crave the feeling of wind on your face... and total freedom.

What's Your Theme Song?

Eid Mubarak

Just got on here to wish everyone a happy Eid...

As for me, I got to spend it with the most amazing people Allah has ever created... Thank you...


:)

Short and sweet

I was on the bus tonight making my way home. It was half empty, except for two American couples sitting in front of me. I was drifting in between thoughts, and rarely tuned in to what they were saying. Usually, I enjoy listening to conversations on the bus/tube, especially ones of American tourists because let's face it, they are quite hilarious.

As I glanced at the woman sitting next to her husband/partner, I caught her lips making out the words "I love you" towards her man. I don't know why and how I caught that moment, but I did... And I'm glad. I looked at the man waiting for him to say those words back, but he didn't. My eyes were fixated on him, still waiting to hear it back. Instead, he turned his head, grabbed hold of her hand, and planted a kiss on her lips. I smiled. To me, that translated into: "I love you too."

Although hearing it is important to some extent, actions speak louder than words.

Just a small moment I wanted to share with the world. :)

My favorite tree

This was written back on the 5th of April, 2005. Reading it, I realized that my past still hurts... no, not necessarily hurts... it stings... it makes me want to throw away that part of my brain:

I'm looking out the window and at the mango tree that seems to have grown in just a short period of time. I don't like fruits, but I like the smell of mangos. Some 60's tune is playing in the background and I can't help but think of Whoopi Goldberg in the movie Girl, Interrupted (for some reason).

Today, it was one of those mornings where I woke up craving coffee. I drink coffee every morning, but today I wanted something stronger to get me through the day.

I started stirring my rich Arabic coffee on the oven. I was still half asleep and had to fight hard to keep my eyes open. My hair was messed up and all over the place. I seem to like it that way better. I was thinking of all these different things about my life. Sometimes, it's not as bad as I make it seem. And other times, I concentrate on this one thing that makes everything in my life seem so horrible and depressing. I thought, "If only I can get rid of this one thing, then everything else would be bearable." I can get over the fact that I'm here rather than in England because let's face it, I'm still young and I'll always have the chance to go back to London after making something out of myself. I'm 21 and I've got so much to look forward to... but that thing.
I was fighting back the tears. I did not want to cry in front of mother creature, especially when she had guests visting. I gave my cat some love and made sure she's okay and well fed and decided to sip my coffee under the mango tree outside.

I leaned against the tree. I was wearing my lime green pyjamas and from some weird angle, the sun was shinning in my small espresso cup. It was just my cup and nothing else. It was so bright and so beautiful that I couldn't help but draw a curve on my face... And at THAT moment, I realized that when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. And in that millisecond, everything just seemed okay...

---

Five months later, yours truly got her ass back to England... Sure, she's struggling, but she found and met many beautiful people since then. She's trying to get through university even though it's been tough with her lack of motivation. However, she still likes to think she's been blessed, especially these days...

Isn't life funny?

Pick yer nose, Miss Difranco.

"You've gotta live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change...
I think shy is boring,
I think depressed is too.
I think pretty is nice,
but i'd rather see something new..."

Hell yeah.

Tomorow is a brand new day

They say there's an expiry date on everything in life. There has to be a point in your life where you let go and flip open a new page. Personally, I don't believe in that. I believe that that statement is partially true, however, it's not that easy. I don't want to talk about how easy it is to let go of things because I'm not good with these things. As much as I want to sit here and let my tears do the talking, I want to write about it instead and let my fears, worries, sadness, and bitterness be known. I'm human, and I'm alive more than ever.

I went through a time in my life that messed my head. It was like someone so powerful picked me up and turned me inside out like you do with most of your laundry. It felt like some greater being has forced itself deep into my chest and squeezed the life out of my heart. I was lost, so lost. I was confused, alone, bitter at the amount of loss, and scared. I was scared. I was afraid. I was weak. I felt myself sinking lower and lower into the unknown. It was like standing on quick sand without realizing and it's sucking you down… deep down. I wanted to yell 'help!' but no one listened. I felt eyes on me, but they couldn't see the amount of hurt lurking inside. It was my definition of struggle because I believe that struggle means different things to different people.

Even though it was over, I still had pieces to pick up and glue together. I still had bags of emotions to go through. I was left with a heart that needed mending and a head that needed fixing. I was finally in a country I tried so hard to escape to, but nothing felt the same. Nothing tasted the same. In fact, everything tasted sour to the point where you'd have to close your eyes tight and wait for that feeling to pass.

The present is all that matters. My present is my education. Without it, please tell me why I'm here again? I've been interrupted many times. I've had obstacles thrown at me and I know God sat watching me from up above intrigued at how I'd handle them. I handled them pretty well, I think. I got through, and I managed. I had a few slips here and there, but let's face it, who doesn't have those days?

I just want to say, yesterday wasn't the best of days. Sure, I had worst days, but I walked out into the coldness of the city and allowed the breeze to dry my tears. I had a million questions in my head and one of them was the one we always seem to ask, "why me?" Hmmm, I wish I had the answer to that, but I don't, so I'll settle with this quote from Ani Difranco, "We are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again and turn every scar into a joke. We are made to fight and fuck and talk and fight again and sit around and laugh until we choke…"

I realized that I've been living in fear. I've been dragging my past into the present and the future. With every negative thought, there was a negative emotion, and with every negative emotion, a negative action was born. I've heard people say, "You are what you eat" and I'm here to say that you are what you feel. You feel like shit? Everything around you will look like shit. You will attract everything bad there is out there because it'll reflect your attitude and what you're feeling on the inside.

Like I was telling someone today, picture the world was a stress-free place with no responsibilities and things to worry about, how boring would that world be? No, I refuse to be a part of it. I want to be a part of this world. I want to stress. I want to have responsibilities. I want to cry out of frustration. I want to have bad days because everyone has them. I want to wake up and think today is a new day and I'll make the most of it.

Tonight I'm going to get rid of this fear inside me. I am going to liberate myself. I'm going to be free. I'm going to force myself to believe that I can do this. I'll convince myself that even though it's not going to be an easy ride, I'm strong enough to get through it. Come on, I've been through worse things than this. I'll tell myself that I'm smart enough, maybe not a genius, maybe not as intelligent as the rest of my family members, but I can pull a decent degree and finally venture into the real world. Or have I been there already? I've got potential, and I have what it takes. I just need to believe that.

Most importantly, I'll tell myself that I'll be fine. That even if hell freezes over, I will not pull out of university and call it quits. If this is meant to be a battle, then I don't and WILL NOT loose my battles.

How freaky that just as I was about to end this post, the song "alright" by Jamiroquai came on. I hope I win tickets to go to the damn thing!!!

I've had an amazing day today, a day any girl would wish for… What can I say? It's days like these that make me realize that in spite of how NIPPY the world gets, i'll always have special people around me to keep me warm… ;) I'm a lucky girl I am…

"…now I've got that sunshine in my life."

Gotta LOVE this...

"Laughter is the face orgasm. When you laugh, the private organs must go, "What the heck was that? I thought we were in charge of fun!" It must freak the ol' nads out. I imagine there's a running competition between the sex drive and the sense of humor. A battle between the funny bone and the boner.
Which can cause more pleasure?
The ha ha or the oo la la?
Comedy or hot dripping sweaty naughty good times?
Which begs the question: After you share a big hearty laugh with someone--the kind that makes you convulse with nasal snort noises--do you still respect each other in the morning? Do you avoid each other, then bump into them at the water cooler and sheepishly go, "So. Things got weird, huh? I laughed. You laughed. One thing led to another..."
Ever look at someone and go, Man, I'd sure love to get together with that piece of funniness and laugh and laugh till milk shoots outta me. That person will make milk come out my nose over and over and over again. Ooh. Yeah. Tell me the one about the rabbi and the penguins, baby... Right there... Yeah... Ah! Ah! AH HA HA HA HA HA!" -T.

And as I always say, laughter gets you through life.

Life is too short, don't you think?

"Throw away your words and act on what's in your heart."

The above quote is probably the best advice i've recieved in a while. For the past seven months, I've become less articulate with my feelings and more afraid to talk about them. Although I generally don't miss who I used to be, a small part of me yearns for how brave I was with confronting people when it comes to emotions. I wasn't a drama queen. I was just a girl who made it a point to articulate how she really felt; I was a girl who loved nothing but to paint pictures with words of what goes on in her heart.

I said anything to anyone within moderation and respect, be it family or friends. I never raised my voice or expected people to understand. All I wanted was to be heard. I wasn't afraid of myself or the words that came out of my mouth. Most importantly, I was never terrified that the person infront of me may decide to get up and leave. I loved that freedom. Yes, freedom... You get to say whatever you wanted, and even though there was no outcome, that's O.K. You still walked away feeling like a weight has been lefted off of your chest.

Now... I don't like what i've become. I'm less confident with myself. When I want to truly sit down and discuss my thoughts, the silliest and most incoherent words come out of me. When I get angry at someone, I cry tears instead of letting my tongue do the talking. When I like someone, I can't tell them. I can't even bring myself to imagine that I could in a million years tell them. Why? I know it's a fear, but I don't want it to turn into a phobia. I know it may be a vaild fear, but it's still no excuse. Sometimes I want to scream from the top of my lungs. I want to be foolish, silly, and cheesy with my words because it ain't going to hurt, is it? I want to exscorce myself from this fear of rejection and focus on making those around me happy. I want that old part of me back because if I can't open my mouth and tell someone I love them, then what's the point of living?

I can't go on like this. It's been too long. I want to be able to say what I want to say without that fear paralyzing my tongue. I want to be able to speak my mind AND my heart without having anyone laugh at me or run away because they're too freaked out by my words. I want to yell, scream, rave, and complain about how my head is always connected to my heart and that it's a source of frustration and heartache for me. If I can't bring that old self back, then I'll be lost... confused... and just not me.

The way I see it is this: Life is too short to try to constantly censor your thoughts and feelings. At the end of the day, we are inevitably going to say good-bye to the world and it could be anytime... I could publish this post, leave my house to the mosque (which is where I'm going now), and get run over by a double decker bus. I'm trying so hard not to sound depressing, but it's a reality and as much as it sounds like a stupid cliche, there's no point of regretting a thing when that day comes...

Call it me being dramatic, melodramatic, or it's the effect of being depreived from food... but i'm tired of always trying to cover my mouth and I'm even more tired of always trying to not freak anyone out. That's it. Whatever I feel will come running out of my mouth... It's not a promise yet, but I think it's achievable.

But remember, life is too short for this... way too short...

Ps. Excuse all the spelling mistakes... I realize how pathetic they are, but the spell checker isn't working.

Can anyone feel this?

[Music: Questions by Mos def]

Listening to the above track, I feel finally O.K. The past two days have been like an emotional rollercoaster ride and only God knows how much I hate those rides. Somehow, you always end up puking all over yourself. Excuse the former sentence. I need to get it out of my system.

I think part of it is the effect Ramadan has on me. Every year I'm reminded of how tough it is to fast in a country that's not yours. Having said that, I can't believe this is my fourth Ramadan away from home. God, I miss the atmosphere. The family reunions. Forget about the food, I miss the whole spiritual point of the holy month.

The combination of fasting, being away from home, and your schedule almost changing messed my body up. As soon as I break my fast, I'm greeted with a massive headache that won't leave until bedtime. As a result, I've been feeling down, low, depressed almost, and lost. I find that all the negative thoughts come to me and I can't seem to fight it. I don't know if they are really there or it's just the effect of not having enough food in your system to fight these thoughts and helps you keep moving. I can't help feeling that somewhere underneath, someone is just pulling me deeper and deeper.

Anyway, I ended up taking a walk with my mother around the area. We talked about various things and I got a lot of things off of my chest. It's funny that in times likes these, no one feels you.. No one understands what you're going through or pick up on how low you feel. I tell a few close people that I'm on the verge of tears, but they brush me off and talk about other issues. I'm not upset about that, but it made me realize that your family members are the only ones who are capable of understanding you and support you with whatever it is you're going through. For that, I'm thankful. I have a mother, who even though I don't get along with most of the time, understands me and supports me no matter what.

I watched the movie 'Trust the man' today. You know, just to kill time before iftaar and even though it was a little depressing for me to watch, I liked something Julianne Moore said in there about how a relationship is like a stick that two people hold on to. Sometimes they're close enough to look into each other's eyes, and other times, they're far. But they're not meant to let go because at least it keeps them together while they hold on to that same stick...

I realized that I've written way more than I should, and that I've probably said more than I allowed myself to, but I'm feeling miserable at the moment and I'm trying my best to make myself feel better simply because no one can do it for me. It's just me, myself, and I.

The best of both worlds

The title says it all.

That place with the red door...

I think today has been the saddest day I've had in months. It almost feels like I've lost a person, a dear friend that I've grown used to it embracing me and protecting me whenever this world decides to show me it's ugly side.

Seven months ago, I walked a friend to her college. As I was walking back to mine, I stopped informs of the flat's red door and without thinking, and with the moment totally taking over my mind, I sat on the steps of this beautiful flat and let the tears flow. I didn't know why and I didn't know how. I let my guard down and allowed this planet and it's inhabitants to see my tears as they walked by, concerned with this girl whose hands were trembling as she tried to light a cigarette and wipe her tears, all at the same time. As I winced with pain and the feeling of inadequacy, I could feel arms around me. They weren't real, but they were enough to help me find that warmth I've been searching for. Not long after, I heard my friend's voice calling my name from across the street... I must've lost consciousness because her voice was distant for someone standing so close. I stood up almost in shame and wiped whatever was left of my tears. I let my lips move and do all the talking and realized how numb my brain was while I heard myself speak.

I walked into her flat and I was greeted with that familiar smell of bukhoor and memories. I remember resting my head on her pillow and saying good-bye to the world - at least temporarily. When I woke up a few hours later, everything felt different... And a smile finally stretched on my face as I glanced over the table and saw a note with her handwriting on it... I got up and made myself some tea. I allowed myself to linger in that space of time and thought about all those obstacles life insists on throwing at me. I don't know what it was, or if it was a miracle of some sort (yeah, yeah it is possible you know), but for some reason, everything made sense after that day.

I tried avoiding that place for a few days, but something kept pulling me towards it. I gave up and figured maybe I needed to feel this, for it to wake me up a little just in case my inner emotions decides to hibernate for good (is that even a possibility?). As soon as I walked in, it struck me how empty the flat was and I could instantly feel myself being attacked by that horrible monster called "sadness." I tried to shake it, tried to fight it, felt like screaming for it to go away and leave me alone, but nothing worked... I lit a cigarette and sat by the window. I looked out and remembered the sea of people that walked past it and how I used to smile down at them or yell out nonsense... I remembered how my friends used to prank me and I'd come running to the window thinking I'd see someone I know... I remembered how I'd sit there and complain about all sorts of things, and there was always someone there to listen... Or to put an arm around me and tell me it's okay to mess up, and that won't make me a loser and that no one is going to like me any less...

the breakfasts (puck cheese!), lunches, dinners, gatherings, the newspaper we'd arrange on the floor to have our meals on, the window that over-looked the pub, the tea and coffees, smiles, laughter, even the words spoken, and people that came in and out, the angel slices (mmm... Tastes like unicorns! Tastes just like angels(?!)), the warmth, comfort, stopping over just to get the assurance you needed before meeting that special someone, the fact that I could literally run to that place when it got a little difficult to deal with the world, the love (and oh there was plenty of it), the Moroccan cafe, all the fun we had experimenting with food (in a non-sexual way of course), the smell, the jokes, the way it felt to sit on those white sofas and fuck all, the times we'd study for exams, the reassurance, the beauty of it all... The memories... memories... memories...

Life is strange. I thought I could do this, but I already miss that place and I didn't even live there! It was my second home... The place that offered me so much, and gave me the best memories anyone could ever ask for. Now she's moved away, to a better place for sure, and I know that there'll be more memories to be made because if we ever decide to stop making them, she won't let us... She just won't...

Here's to Candover street...

Here comes the sun...

I've got my own ideas when it comes to depression and mental health in general. When I wrote the former sentence, I realized how inappropriate it would be for me to sit here and write a post about such topic. However, I'm trying to get back into the "groove" of writing and I promised myself any thoughts that decide to shape themselves into light bulbs in my head, I should head straight to my laptop or a notepad nearby and spill all out. I need to. I have to.

Not long ago, I read an article about counseling. For someone who's been under the supervision of a counselor, I often found myself asking not whether it would work for me, but whether I need it. I know a lot of people wrestle with many different questions and ideas, but according to the article I read, a lot of people focus on that particular question. In addition to that, how do you know whether what you're feeling is 'clinical' or just the blues? Let me tell you what I think....

There's been a lot of discussion about joy. There are books that have been written about "happiness", music made on how it's a possibility, and movies directed for that very special cause. There are happiness classes planned for school kids, and even government officials: In a recent TV interviews, Mr Cameron commented on how we should pay attention to our GWB (General Wellbeing) as well as our GDP. Hmm...

Being in therapy, I never found the idea of "happiness" very useful and practical. I think there are two words, although subtle and different, that we may use to define how we're doing emotionally and whether or not we need help: Contentment and joy. Happiness is too precise and impossible. In reality, humans experience a mix of emotions. We all go through bad patches when life decides to make itself unbearable. As you all know, it may be all sorts of things. Even the transition from being a teenager (yes, even teenagers go through a bad patch, much to my mom's surprise!) to an adult.

But the real challenge here is, no matter how difficult life is and how unhappy we feel, if we are primarily 'emotionally' healthy, we will still have times when we feel content. A simple sunny day or lying on the grass while you're in the company of a special someone, or even a simple cup of coffee/hot chocolate with a friend could bring it out in us. We, for a small amount of time, forget our worries and cares, and instead feel calm, serene, and content.

Also, no matter how miserable we are, if we know that things are essentially ok, we will feel that odd moment of joy. It could be triggered by lots of factors: Music, something we see or hear about, a joke, or a friend touching us with their love and concern.

It is the absolute absence of these two states - contentment and joy - that indicate I believe that there's something deeper and more profound than unhappiness that you're suffering from. My mother told me not long ago that if the memory of contentment or joy seem far away or if it's hard to remember what either even feels like, then you're in for something deeper than mere unhappiness.

Unhappiness can be pictured as an overcast sky. But, sometimes, the clouds part and a burst of sunshine appears. Depression, on the other hand, is like a blanket of cloudy grey sky. The sun, for all we see it, may as well have died.

Two friends have told me in the past that without treatment for depression, they wouldn't have been alive. They didn't just mean that they could've killed themselves. They just meant that living constantly under grey skies didn't deserve being called a life.

As simple as this sounds, and easier said than done, depression can be cured using a mixture of methods. And as much as I drifted off topic (as usual), which is what I seem to do best in life these days, all I want to say is this: If you are weighed down by these clouds, do not despair. It may be hard to believe, but behind them the sun is always there.

Next Topic: My review on the book "Intellectual Foreplay" - I can't wait. I think.

Not creative enough.

It's been a while. Lots has happened. Lots will happen. And I don't know if anyone reads this or if it's a good idea to keep this going.

I used to have tons of ideas in my head. I used to be heavily influenced by politics and daily thoughts that used to light up my brain cells and gets the words flowing out of my mouth. But now, they're gone and I'm sitting here wondering where I can retrieve it all from...

Anyone?