She has the tendency to analyze everything around her. From people, to animals, to plants. She studies facial expressions, every frown, every wrinkle, every blink of an eye, every movement of the lips, and limbs. The same with all species around her, and she somehow connects it all to herself. Her eyes stretches as far as she's allowed and then she strecthes them deep within herself, as though she's trying to compare something that's she seems to have missed.
That's Iris for you. When has she ever been anti-analytical? Most importantly, when has she been strong and guilt-free? These days she seems to be wrecked with guilt, but in my view, I think she's not identifying her emotions correctly. Human beings feel all sorts of different emotions - all at the same time. She may be feeling happy, but guilty. A positive feeling followed by a negative one. How is that possible? It just is.
Iris is a funny one. She has completed her exams. Like most students, worried herself to death, and sat long hours in the library trying to get as much work as she possibly can. There were moments she doubted her ability, but that's not an exception to Iris. Many students would feel the same if they were faced with having to sit four exams with no days apart. No break, no breathing space, and no time to think - just do.
In a few days she will be boarding a plane back to where she belongs - for a holiday she hopes. She is trying not to think of all the drama she will be faced with, and instead concentrates on all the loved ones she have missed so dearly and would love to see again. She is trying very hard not to think about taking off and landing, as that is the main thing terrifying her at the moment and is preventing her from sleep. Instead, she lies there thinking of all the things she needs to do, counting the days, and the hours, and the errands. She thinks of all the people she needs to see before she departs - and somewhere in the farthest area you could ever find in the back of her head she fears that she will not be able to see them again - because she's getting on a plane and will lose all control. She will be confined in a limited space which worst of all, will defy gravity by trying to remain constant in the sky.
Isn't that the most absurd thing you have ever heard? Not to me, as I'm sure lots of people go through the same. I try to tell her that it's going to be fine, and that she's being irrational, and the funny thing is that her irrationality is stopping her from listening to me. Instead, all I do is say a little prayer for Iris, not only to be safe because I know she will be, but to relieve her of all those fears which takes over her. It's like being trapped in purgatory.
On a random note, she has finally started informing a few of her friends of her decision regarding her personal life. Some took it fine, and others just didn't. I would personally find that painful to the point of angry. Some of them ask her questions, as though trying to make it sound 'normal' and casual, but it doesn't work. She can feel them judging her, and that makes her angry. And sometimes, through the vibrations of their voice, she can sense the message they send across, like 'if things go wrong again, don't come crying to us.' OK, she won't. In fact, she stopped. The only person she ever speaks to nowadays is me, and frankly, I'm honored. Who wouldn't be?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The feel button
If God one day decides, 'Hmm, let me install in every human being an organ that would allow them to instantly pick up on people's emotions and feel it full force,' I think the world would be a much more happier, understanding, and supportive place.
Some people are nasty. I mean, really nasty.
I'm hurting.
Some people are nasty. I mean, really nasty.
I'm hurting.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Happiness is a battle, or so I used to say.
I wrote this back in September, 2005. Reading through it, I got a sudden rush of sadness that I can't explain. I can't believe how much mess I used to be in back then, and how broken, desperate, and weak I was. It certainly brings back a lot of memories.
I always get this feeling like something is wrong. I feel almost defective and that my parents should've taken me to the repairs a long time ago. I sense that my mother has given up on me because she's not sure how she raised this. She loves me, but she doesn't want to be the person I run to. There's so salvation without a catch and life is one long distraction from the inevitable. Isn't that right.
There is no cure for this. Happiness is a battle that won't stop. And I'll have to fight for it as long as I live. I can't maintain this anymore and I feel as though my body is going to give in anytime soon. My dreams are polluted. I'm exhausted while I sleep and when I'm awake too. I don't know how that's possible. I sleep 8 to 10 hours, but even with that, I wake up tired and exhausted. I feel like a zombie. I'm trapped in my own body.
I want out.
I feel like I'm paralyzed, but no one believes me. It's draining me. I'm scared in my dreams and I'm terrified in my waking life. My dream is also my reality. And almost feels like the ground is going to slide beneath my feet and I will have no one to turn to.
I'm scared of being an adult. I'm scared of being alone. I can't be alone in this big room with so many books, CD's, paint brushes, and old magazines... With the old clothes, socks, and dirty cups scattered on the floor that I can't even see the floor. Where do I run to? I can't. I'll only trip and fall. No one will ever love me, and I will die alone. I can't go anywhere as fast and I will be nothing. Nothing will ever work out. And no, it's not about university. It's me. It's life. It's this big bad world. It's all the craziness. It's everything that makes me want to cover my ears and scream until it's quiet again... How did life turn into a death-wish for me?
I want out of this mess. I want out.
I know there's something I need. Perhaps it's somewhere around me, but I can't feel it. I need the thing that lets your brain shuts off because your heart is turned on.
“I'm going out of my mind
With a pain that stops and starts
Like a corkscrew through my heart
Ever since we've been apart” - Bob Dylan - You're a Big Girl.
I always get this feeling like something is wrong. I feel almost defective and that my parents should've taken me to the repairs a long time ago. I sense that my mother has given up on me because she's not sure how she raised this. She loves me, but she doesn't want to be the person I run to. There's so salvation without a catch and life is one long distraction from the inevitable. Isn't that right.
There is no cure for this. Happiness is a battle that won't stop. And I'll have to fight for it as long as I live. I can't maintain this anymore and I feel as though my body is going to give in anytime soon. My dreams are polluted. I'm exhausted while I sleep and when I'm awake too. I don't know how that's possible. I sleep 8 to 10 hours, but even with that, I wake up tired and exhausted. I feel like a zombie. I'm trapped in my own body.
I want out.
I feel like I'm paralyzed, but no one believes me. It's draining me. I'm scared in my dreams and I'm terrified in my waking life. My dream is also my reality. And almost feels like the ground is going to slide beneath my feet and I will have no one to turn to.
I'm scared of being an adult. I'm scared of being alone. I can't be alone in this big room with so many books, CD's, paint brushes, and old magazines... With the old clothes, socks, and dirty cups scattered on the floor that I can't even see the floor. Where do I run to? I can't. I'll only trip and fall. No one will ever love me, and I will die alone. I can't go anywhere as fast and I will be nothing. Nothing will ever work out. And no, it's not about university. It's me. It's life. It's this big bad world. It's all the craziness. It's everything that makes me want to cover my ears and scream until it's quiet again... How did life turn into a death-wish for me?
I want out of this mess. I want out.
I know there's something I need. Perhaps it's somewhere around me, but I can't feel it. I need the thing that lets your brain shuts off because your heart is turned on.
“I'm going out of my mind
With a pain that stops and starts
Like a corkscrew through my heart
Ever since we've been apart” - Bob Dylan - You're a Big Girl.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Ripples and struggles
I should keep up with writing in my blog, but what matters should I report on? It's not as though something interesting and exciting is happening in my life. It's just work, work, work, and more work. Apart from the fact that I went back home during my Christmas break, I have nothing else to report on except about my dear friend Iris. Let me just say that going back home was beyond amazing and I forever love Bahrain.
As she stepped out into the street, turning left and right, before taking a leap to the other side, Iris suddenly realized something. Although she was only 18, fresh out of school and attending a university that she didn't particularly liked, she decided that a change must take place; it was almost inevitable.
When I look back now, I sometimes think to myself that poor Iris might have been far better where she was and the change she wanted to happen was not necessarily the right thing for her. I base that on the fact that since then, her life has been one constant struggle.
The only way I can describe it is that it was some kind of powerful force that would pick her up and with one swift motion, it would smash her against the ground leaving her, like a fish, to thrash and toss because of how great the pain is. How could life be that cruel and painful? And I wonder, why doesn't life give you a break to breath in between? Why does it always have to be one constant thing after the other?
She looks at her life and those around her. Most have carried on with jobs, fiances, marriages, and children. What has she achieved so far? She is still trapped in a situation where there's no hope of an exit. In addition, her education is giving her a very hard time. It seems that every time she managed to take one step forward, something would pull her ten steps back. It discourages her. While deep down she wants to make something out of herself, she can't help but wonder whether it is all worth it. In my opinion, I think it is. She may have made some mistakes, and the future may not seem so bright at the moment, but I anticipate a wonderful life for Iris if she can be patient and hold on for just a little bit more. You should see the look on her face when I tell her that though - I would always find myself confused as to whether I should burst out laughing or just sit back and refrain from talking.
The other day, we were on the train. Sat next to Iris was a lovely little champagne-haired girl. Iris would not stop smiling and making all these funny faces at her. She used to dislike kids, and she says she still does a little, but she's getting to a point where every time she looked at a baby, her stomach would hurt. It's like every cell in her body would scream out, 'it's time,' and without realizing, she'd find herself stroking her stomach, yearning to be a mother. I know it's her biological clock, but I don't think it's the right time nor place. She needs to feel settled within herself before she could even think of having another human being grow inside her.
As for her personal life, she is back with the same person. I smiled when I typed that. I'm starting to believe that forgiveness does exist and that it is a very powerful act. Things are different for her this time and she is stronger - way stronger - than she used to be when it came to him. It's amazing how assertive she's become and how she manages to strike a balance between her wants and needs and her love for him. He seems to have calmed down too. He's more accepting of this relationship and much more verbal about his feelings towards her. He also seems adamant about what he wants - which is her. I'm glad to see a level of respect between them.
Now if only my best friend, who considers me an ex-best friend, would chill with the stubbornness and realize that life is a lot shorter than it seems - people make mistakes, and sometimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time - and sometimes we are very protective of our family and loved ones that we do the craziest things to keep them away from harm, even though they don't realize it and in most cases, will never understand our motives. I don't know when people will stop and start to see some good in one another instead of the bad. Why is it easy to condemn a person and harder to commend them? Why is it harder to remember the lovely things they've done for you and much easier to hold on to the 'bad'? When will some people stop behaving like victims? I think the world would be a much better place if people start becoming a lot nicer (and genuine) towards each other. I doubt my friend would ever see sense - she is far up her own ass... sadly.
I wish I could write more, but my fingers ache and I'm starting to get distracted. However, I will do my best to continue writing. It is the greatest therapy of all.
Written 07 March, 2008
As she stepped out into the street, turning left and right, before taking a leap to the other side, Iris suddenly realized something. Although she was only 18, fresh out of school and attending a university that she didn't particularly liked, she decided that a change must take place; it was almost inevitable.
When I look back now, I sometimes think to myself that poor Iris might have been far better where she was and the change she wanted to happen was not necessarily the right thing for her. I base that on the fact that since then, her life has been one constant struggle.
The only way I can describe it is that it was some kind of powerful force that would pick her up and with one swift motion, it would smash her against the ground leaving her, like a fish, to thrash and toss because of how great the pain is. How could life be that cruel and painful? And I wonder, why doesn't life give you a break to breath in between? Why does it always have to be one constant thing after the other?
She looks at her life and those around her. Most have carried on with jobs, fiances, marriages, and children. What has she achieved so far? She is still trapped in a situation where there's no hope of an exit. In addition, her education is giving her a very hard time. It seems that every time she managed to take one step forward, something would pull her ten steps back. It discourages her. While deep down she wants to make something out of herself, she can't help but wonder whether it is all worth it. In my opinion, I think it is. She may have made some mistakes, and the future may not seem so bright at the moment, but I anticipate a wonderful life for Iris if she can be patient and hold on for just a little bit more. You should see the look on her face when I tell her that though - I would always find myself confused as to whether I should burst out laughing or just sit back and refrain from talking.
The other day, we were on the train. Sat next to Iris was a lovely little champagne-haired girl. Iris would not stop smiling and making all these funny faces at her. She used to dislike kids, and she says she still does a little, but she's getting to a point where every time she looked at a baby, her stomach would hurt. It's like every cell in her body would scream out, 'it's time,' and without realizing, she'd find herself stroking her stomach, yearning to be a mother. I know it's her biological clock, but I don't think it's the right time nor place. She needs to feel settled within herself before she could even think of having another human being grow inside her.
As for her personal life, she is back with the same person. I smiled when I typed that. I'm starting to believe that forgiveness does exist and that it is a very powerful act. Things are different for her this time and she is stronger - way stronger - than she used to be when it came to him. It's amazing how assertive she's become and how she manages to strike a balance between her wants and needs and her love for him. He seems to have calmed down too. He's more accepting of this relationship and much more verbal about his feelings towards her. He also seems adamant about what he wants - which is her. I'm glad to see a level of respect between them.
Now if only my best friend, who considers me an ex-best friend, would chill with the stubbornness and realize that life is a lot shorter than it seems - people make mistakes, and sometimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time - and sometimes we are very protective of our family and loved ones that we do the craziest things to keep them away from harm, even though they don't realize it and in most cases, will never understand our motives. I don't know when people will stop and start to see some good in one another instead of the bad. Why is it easy to condemn a person and harder to commend them? Why is it harder to remember the lovely things they've done for you and much easier to hold on to the 'bad'? When will some people stop behaving like victims? I think the world would be a much better place if people start becoming a lot nicer (and genuine) towards each other. I doubt my friend would ever see sense - she is far up her own ass... sadly.
I wish I could write more, but my fingers ache and I'm starting to get distracted. However, I will do my best to continue writing. It is the greatest therapy of all.
Written 07 March, 2008
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